Friday, December 30, 2005

New stuff up over

You have got to be fucking kidding me

Friday, December 23, 2005

Go read this

and then call your representatives or the White House or Superman or someone (I'm thinking of calling the Mossad, myself): People Get Ready: Merry Katrina Christmas: New Orleans home foreclosures expected to increase

Brown's Turf Wars Sapped FEMA's Strength

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Say What?

Katrina weaker than thought

Hmm. If it was a cat3 and the levees and floodwalls were supposed to hold during a cat3 then why oh well there I go being a negative nellie again.


It's on again. I rescind several of my harsher comments below. But not all of them. Let's see what the house does. I'm not in favor of ANWR drilling, never have been, no matter how much pretend revenue sharing money Mary and David and Bobby claim will be lost. Frist wants to spank the dirty commies who handed Ted Stevens such a steaming turd, and he wants to do it with pretend money. Fine. The home heating assistance and the Katrina assistance will come from somewhere else, probably taxpayer pockets. Typical Frist. Drop in the bucket. Whatever -- just get the recovery aid money down here. I don't know that I'd trust any of our three to carry the check all the way from DC -- Mary would leave it in her other purse, Bobby would smear it all up what with the obsessive handling and purple fingers, and Dave will just blow it on liquorice and bibles and hookers OH GOD DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD so better just give it to the FedEx guy. Michael's on a tear of at 2millionth. What he said.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Fucking senate blocks fucking Alaska refuge drilling, fucks Katrina survivors right the fuck up the fuckin' ass

Senate also kills $29 billion in Katrina relief in the process. I don't even have words for the kind of incandescent rage this raises in me. Someone needs to go in there with an axe and start chopping feet. I'll do it. I have an axe. So, thanks, Ted Stevens, for being your usual asshole self, and thanks, Democrats who dropkicked billions of dollars away insead of finding a compromise or amending something or or or just fucking hitting Stevens in the fucking head with a fucking 4x8. Hit Lieberman as long as you're there. Fucking idiots. If any incumbent is reelected next year, everyone who voted for that incumbent should be sterilized, institutionalized, and sealed up in an oil drum. In darkness there is no sin / light only brings the fear / Nothing to corrupt the eye / there is no vision here... Nope, no vision here.

Think Progress: Clinton/Carter Executive Orders Did Not Authorize Warrantless Searches of Americans

Let's strangle this little talking point right in its nest. Dig that ThinkProgess front page, too. It won't be long. Schhhhhhhhandenfreude! Hot on the heels of its Pulitzer-nominated "Gifts that Suck" spread, The Times of Acadiana once again outdoes itself with a festive holiday cover sure to fly off the stands. Oh, and apparently coats are the new trend this winter.

Monday, December 19, 2005


A change in the weather

Can you feel it? So brisk and refreshing. Zippy, one might even say. A bracing tonic for the soul. Yes, why is that? In fact, just go to the main page for responses to the "emergency speech." An administration who exploited the deaths of 3000 Americans to launch a pre-planned war and who have debased this country through torture, wiretaps, and indifference to the rest of the planet is about to face a storm from the north. I want my country back before you fuckers break it permanently. EDIT: I'm liking Firedoglake a lot lately. Here's a good one.
Last night's 60 Minutes episode about the Gretna bridge crossing incident -- where Gretna police turned away New Orleaneans who had walked out of the ravaged city seeking help -- crystallized a couple of things for me. First, after reading a spectacularly idiotic discussion on another site, I've come down firmly on the "never go to Gretna or give them a drop of business again" side of the argument. The People of Gretna have applauded the heartless and bigoted actions of the police department and continue to rationalize the action as "protection." Well, I've had enough of this "protecting your communities" bullshit: they were trying to keep out citizens of the state of Louisiana, who, like all citizens, have the right to travel freely between any and all points. There was no lockdown or state of emergency that would enable the Gretna border to be sealed. No, they just wanted to keep the niggers out, and the yard signs and applause of Gretna citizens sends a clear message to the rest of the country, and please do not insult my or anyone else's intelligence by trying to claim otherwise. If there are good people and worthwhile businesses in Gretna that don't follow the racist party line, then bully for them: urge them to speak up and assure them you'll be back when they do. Second: here's the message that really bothers me. In the midst of trying to convince the rest of the country to remember us, and to take seriously the near-total devastation of a major American city, here was yet another prime-time exhibit of neanderthal assholery and smugly ignorant bigotry. If Louisiana wants the rest of America to take it seriously, and if Louisiana wants the federal Government to to pony up 30 billion dollars for recovery, then it better stop acting like King Ripple of the Hobo Jungle and start acting like a grownup. I mean more than just keeping the legislature from their usual smash-n-grab budget and bribery tactics, and more than just keeping the culture of corruption gagged and tied up in the trunk next to the hooker. I mean putting an end to the centuries-long idea that Louisiana is place separate and distinct from America and resigning our role as America's Court Jester. The pride at our petty political corruption, the willingness to be seen as drunk and uncontrollable, the kingdom of misrule, all make the calls for help and the demands to be taken seriously ring a little more hollow. Why should the rest of the country take us seriously when we've insisted for two hundred years that they do no such thing? Why should we be considered part of America after insisting for generations that we are not? Even now, I hear angry contradictions from Louisianians: Anyone not in New Orleans or the affected areas should have no influence over where and how to rebuild the city, but they should pay for it since New Orleans is, after all, a part of their country. Hey, we need your money to recovery from this unfair blow, and we deserve it, oh, and did you see how them jigs ran off the bridge when I fired the shotgun over their heads? Well, we are a part of America. And the rest of the country needs to help us rebuild just like we should help any other part of the country in need. But we need to stop this circus of dipshits we've let rage for three hundred years: the state bond commission needs to be told, one way or another, that their back-home pork projects are off the table while the state's available recovery funds are properly allocated -- and if we need to bring in some grownups to do it, just like we had to bring in grownups to try and sort out the galactic clusterfuck created by the NOLA school board, then that's what we have to do. The citizens and police of Gretna need to face loud, public, and universal condemnation until it can be driven into their little white heads just why what they did was wrong. Those people who need FEMA trailers should be able to move into a temporary park without more hooting and rock throwing from the locals. Maybe Mardi Gras should be scaled back a little this year. Maybe the fucking Cotillion of Dolts needs to take a back seat for a change. Anger is called for, yes, true. Human incompetence and error helped turn Katrina (and Rita) from a mere disaster into an apocalypse. Be angry. But remember that the tinfoil crown doesn't really make you a king, of misrule or anything else, and if you think the rest of America isn't taking you seriously, reflect on two hundred years of concerted effort to be taken lightly, and the inevitable consequences.

Friday, December 16, 2005

The Jewish Grinch who stole Christmas

I should have known! It was those meddling Jews all along! Seriously, go sit on your fist, you self-loathing bigoted cocksucker.

Quotable Quotes

Via Daily Kos: "'Considering the dire circumstances that we have in New Orleans, virtually a city that has been destroyed, things are going relatively well.' ---FEMA Director Michael Brown, Sept. 1, 2005


Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Piling it deeper

Interesting. So seismic and sonar testing, by both the corps and Ivar and rest of the X-Men, was grossly inaccurate? Huh. BURRRNN! No, I don't have any idea what they're on about, but i think I see some sparks flying. Get a room, you two! If the Lafayette Parish School Board is under court control, why hasn't the court come down and cracked a few heads? Sleepy this morning. Maybe more later on. I've got something itching at me (besides what you're thinking.)

Tuesday, December 13, 2005



And still making shit up. Has he lost his mind? Goddamnit, Santa, you fat bastard, you better cave on this one.


Matt Taibbi

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Suspect Device: Bad, Nationwide

I assume you have all purchased your copies of the December 12 issue of Fortune Magazine, featuring 4 (four) glorious full-color pages of illustrated official-sounding comic-strip philosophizing from me (including a personal apparance in all my bald-headed glory). I will be showing up at selected residences to check, so have your copies at hand. Failure to present a copy on demand will result in a visit from a FEMA representative, who will wander around, knock things over, fart up the bathroom, and spend hours curled up under an end table, mournfully lowing until sleep finally overtakes him.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Madness. Madness. Bullshit and Madness, all cozy. Chickenshit. Typical BellSouth chickenshit. Dumbass Madness, or as the French say, le excitation du stupide. Madness, madness, madness. Darkness, darkness, be my pillow take my head and let me sleep In the coolness of your shadow in the silence of your deep. Darkness, darkness, hide my yearning for the things I cannot see; Keep my mind from constant turning to the things I cannot be. Darkness, darkness, be my blanket, cover me with the endless night Take away the pain of knowing, fill the emptiness with light... (Jesse Colin Young)

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Mel Sembler is in charge of Scooter Libby's defense fund. That's nice. Big supporter of Dick Cheney, this Sembler fellow. Real whiz at fund raising, I understand. Still, that name seems familiar. I'm sure I've heard of Sembler in some other context... Well, now, I remember! He used to torture children for a living. You know, I'll take being the party of Michael Moore over being the party of torturers, liars, torturers, sycophants, torturers, and cowards.
Gambit Weekly has offered to resume running Suspect Device on a regular schedule, but only half as often as before, every other week, in order to make way for the hip 'n' happening return of Bunny Matthews and Vic 'n' Nat'ly. So, after seven years, four NOLA press club awards, AAN nominations, national exposure (even in this week's Fortune, ironically), and not one increase in rates, I guess I'm increasingly irrelevant to Gambit's readership, or at least its publishers. Better to fill the space with more jokes about hot saws on da ersters and Jazz Fest lines likened to nazi death camps. I've agreed to go every other week until I can find another outlet; if I can't find another outlet, I'll shut down the local SD and concentrate on a national version. Any other publication, print or web, interested in running SD on a weekly basis, please contact me at greg@suspect-device[dot]com. EDIT: I want to make sure I'm being clear here: I don't object, per se, to being cut back to bi-weekly. I object to being cut back to make room for Bunny, and the implication that my strip has lost relevance for Gambit readers.
I have no opinion about Danny Michel getting shitcanned -- I have no idea if he's a fuckup or not -- but I find the whole spectacle so perfectly representative of James Easton and the Lafayette school board. Easton, after trying several times to fire Michel on the QT, and pulling the board into illegal closed sessions, and in general being a puffed up, belligerent sneak, brings up a list of Michel's failings that so precisely mirrors his own that it takes my breath away. (The Daily Advertiser in Lafayette had a "breaking story" earlier quoted Easton's entire exhaustive list, but the final version has omitted all the delicious irony.) Of course, the school board just lies there and takes it, like a tired & resigned housewife used to years of the dutiful reception of clumsy, grunting, selfish fucking. It'll be over soon. It's not so bad. Think of England.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

You just can't trust these people with public money

Haley Barbour securing cleanup contracts for his relatives. Yeah, I guess your response to the hurricane sure is a model for Louisiana. In just so many ways.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


but unsurprising. My educated guess is that this same scene was played out regarding shelter, medical care, evacuations, etc. New plans never adopted + old plans no one read + pie-in-the-sky promises from FEMA + disorganization + a governor who couldn't take control =I DON'T HAVE THE BUSES I THOUGHT YOU HAD THE BUSES WELL SHIT WHO HAS THE BUSES? Speaking of pricks. How's it going out there, Red Staters? Still feeling good about all the other players on your team? And about this notion that the only reason elections may be postponed is because democrats stand to lose --because several hundred thousand voters are scattered around the country and not able to get out and vote; apparently only d-voting po black folk were uprooted -- and the outraged republservative squealing that has erupted over the idea. Let me ask this: isn't the republican/consie demand for scheduled elections in the face of a natural disaster and mass exodus of voters (we'll assume mostly democrats, for the sake of argument, although I think that's bullshit) simply a rethug political power play? Isn't this the kind of cold little political game you accuse the democrats of playing? Wait until your supposed opposition voters are exiled and then demand elections? Hm. I know it's unfair to use Sadow as a spokesperson for the other side, but to paraphrase what I said about Ann Coulter a couple of days ago, he's your moron, you deal with him. His moron credentials have been well established over the years ("But *I* am a professor of political science," he'll smugly intone at such an insult), and now he's become a partisan federal apologist, leveraging a disaster to score political points against a democratic governor. Viz. Ignore the clumsy writing and focus on the claims: First, where does he get the idea that Blanco was compelled, or "forced by congress", to release these records? I find nothing in the news that indicates this was a demand made by congress. I think this is one of Jeffrey's secret little wishes that he wishes really hard for every morning, but I don't think it's true and I don't think the pony is coming this year, either. And then there's this:
The confusion would seem to be evident. The most important document that could be sent, Blanco’s request for federal assistance, she asserts was sent by mail which the White House says it never received. I know Katrina caused problems even in Baton Rouge, but wasn’t there a working FAX machine on the state capitol’s fourth floor on Sep. 2? Or a computer with Internet access? Reading this brings to mind the old excuse when a debt isn’t dealt with in a timely fashion: “the check’s in the mail ….”
(That's quite a sentence, by the way. I know I said I was going to ignore the clumsy writing, but I lied.) This sort of sarcasm plays better when you have some clue regarding what you're talking about. Of course, the reason it was sent by mail she handed it to a White House official and in fact did NOT mail it, but the reason the White House requested yet another copy be sent, is that an original copy was required. Not a fax. not an email, but an original:
According to the governor's account, Blanco notified President Bush two days before the storm hit that federal assistance would be needed. And she said she told Bush on August 29, "We need your help. We need everything you've got." The state sought firefighting support, military vehicles, generators, medical supplies and personnel. On August 30, after the failures of three levees left most of New Orleans and its surrounding parishes under water, Blanco told Bush that "the situation is extremely grave." Five days after one request from the governor for federal help, a presidential aide told Blanco in a memo that Bush never got her letter. The aide told Blanco, "We found it on the governor's Web site, but we need 'an original' for our staff secretary to formally process the requests."
Okay? Okay. Jeff continues to sneer:
And, being that it was known by nightfall of Aug. 29 that New Orleans was flooding, why wasn’t it until Aug. 31 that anybody seemed concerned enough to start commandeering buses? If Blanco and others around the state complain that federal officials should have known what was going on through television reports, why didn’t she know New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin and failed to fully implement his own vague evacuation plan and started the process much sooner?
As even a cursory reading of the news would demonstrate (and I must point out that neither Dr. Sadow or myself have seen any of the actual documents -- he won't mention that, but I'll help him out and fill you in), buses were indeed being commandeered earlier than August 31, but on August 29, Brownie promised that 500 buses were ready and waiting, and they weren't. Get this through your north-Louisiana-third-rate-cow-college head, Jeffrey: FEMA made promises and falled to deliver -- lots of promises and lots of failures that made the job of the state harder by an order of magnitude. Blanco's failure was not in beginning to get buses too late, but by not getting the reins on a disintegrating situation, one that enabled a staffer to call off the bus drive too early. Did Blanco and her crew fuck up? Obviously. She probably will be only a one-time governor, and I won't shed too many tears over it, unless Bobby Jindal gets elected. But I get just a little chapped when I see uninformed partisan dorks like Jeffrey placing the whole of the blame at the feet of the state with nary a mention of the pathetic federal response, and gloating over inaccurate anecdotes of incompetence. Par for the consie course, but it's still irritating. Pussies. See, we here in Lafayette don't need any more evidence that BellSouth is a corporate prick, jealous, petty, and hateful -- they're fighting a municipal fiber initiative overwhelmingly passed by the people of Lafayette, and so are quite clearly now attempting to dictate or obstruct public policy -- but in case anyone else needs evidence of the true character of BS, well, read this.Another college graduate weighs in.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Media Matters - Fox's Gibson: Christians tolerate those who are "following the wrong religion ... as long as they're civil and behave"

Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up. It's like a buzzing flourescent light of 60-cycle stupidity, ceaselessly and relentlessly mooing and lowing an idiotic threnody. SHUT UP. Jesus Christ, that is some stupid shit.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

CSI Baton Rouge

Friday, December 02, 2005


Belligerent Design. I know Lore, and you really don't want to piss him off. Furniture gets broken.

Sorry, pal

Missed this back in September: Steve Sailer of the extreme-right, anti-immigrant, -- also a hangout of Michelle Malkin -- offers up his theories about the problems faced by New Orleans. In a word, too many drunken, hooting jigaboos:
What you won’t hear, except from me, is that "Let the good times roll" is an especially risky message for African-Americans. The plain fact is that they tend to possess poorer native judgment than members of better-educated groups. Thus they need stricter moral guidance from society.
Ahhh, compassionate conservatism. A helping hand served up with the flavor of white-hot steel.

More right-wing respect for service...

Coulter questions Murtha's medals. Yes, I know she's nuts, and her position may not be a fair representation of what the rank-and-file republican righties believe, but hey -- y'all bought her books, y'all read her column, she's your spokesperson, and you've let her be your spokesperson for years. She's your problem; you shut her up. In other insanity news, Bill O'Reilly brings his anti-Christmas conspiracy theory to the public -- what I don't get is why he thinks liberals and democrats, usually so horny for handouts, would want to scuttle a holiday where they get presents. Still, who am I to argue with the man who is personally responsible for lowering gas prices across the nation?

Thursday, December 01, 2005

They knew

At your local newsstand

Fortune mag with four pages of my nonsense is on the stands (Dec. 12 issue, Andy Grove on the cover). The Fortune editors polished and structured my normal chaos into something that might just pass as a news story.